Throwback Thursday: Asking for help is hard. Accepting help is harder.

Today’s Throwback Thursday post is close to my heart. I’m frequently reminded of it when I’m struggling with a problem. To my engineering / scientist mind, finding solutions to problems is often fun, and frequently rewarding. It’s one reason I don’t run screaming when a problem pops up.

But… like many people, I’m stubborn. I don’t want to be thought of as weak or – even worse – incompetent. So when the problem grows thorns, I tend to struggle in silence. I find books to read, or experiment wildly… and often end up spending far more time and effort solving the issue than I would have spent had I asked.

Yes, I worked it out. Yes, I feel good about it. But was it an efficient use of my time and resources? No.

And that’s for work problems.

Many of us are even less likely to ask for help when the problem is a private one, and we often shy away when help is offered, as if there’s a stigma attached to accepting it. It’s counter-intuitive, but you can see it at work almost daily when you look around.

When I was writing A Box of Wishes, I had no trouble imagining how much that attitude would hurt Ryan. His special gift draws him to people who need help, compels him to offer an – admittedly – very unusual solution. Yet people reject his offer, don’t want his help, or don’t believe that he can make a difference.

As a result, everyone suffers. Those who need help struggle in silence. And Ryan’s in physical and emotional pain because he can’t help. And all because of what? Pride? Perceptions? Expectations?

We might not have Ryan’s special gift, but the fact that asking for help is hard, and accepting help is harder is something most of us learn as we grow up, despite team building exercises, and personality profiling. Until we don’t just ask for help ourselves, but even shy away from offering help, afraid we’re going to offend.

It often needs an extreme situation – like Ben’s when he thinks he’s losing Morris – to ditch those old, useless lessons and reach out. To ask for help, and to accept it when it is offered.

I’m determined to be a little less stubborn and self-conscious, and accept that there are days when I need to put my hand up. Let’s see how that goes.